


Don't You Deserve Happiness?

by AGreatAndTerribleBeing (PhoenixFoxfire)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Current Events, Dancing, Happy Ending, M/M, Masquerade, Past, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 00:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15449694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFoxfire/pseuds/AGreatAndTerribleBeing
Summary: With an old memory regained, Asra seeks to make sure Julian knows someone cares about him.





	Don't You Deserve Happiness?

**Author's Note:**

> -Vague spoilers in that I took the most recent Asra and Julian route scenes (Book XIV - Temperance) and instead of happening with them and the MC, they happen with each other. Not sorry about it. I love it.  
> -This would be something that occurs during Nadia's route.  
> -It's not all in italics, just the beginning.  
> -Luke is the name of my MC, it doesn't come up often but I needed to use it.

_Asra had spent the vast majority of the Masquerade planning, watching for his opportunities. This had to be perfect if he was going to sabotage Lucio. He needed that body for Luke, and it would be better for everyone else if Lucio didn’t manage to go through with his plan. At the thought of the Count, Asra bit back a scowl, his stomach tightening. A wretched, pathetic, arrogant human, he was. Asra despised him with his entire being. And soon, he’d be gone. Truthfully, he felt a bit bad about all this. No one else knew what magic was going to be worked tonight, not really. Except for Nadia. He’d told her about it. Her approval made him feel a bit more steady. Besides, he had to bring back Luke._

_With steeled resolve, he began to head for Lucio’s wing, passing by a few masked guests who had strayed away from the festivities for some fresh air. Very few would be heading for Lucio’s part of the palace. They knew to stay away, lest they come upon the Count in one of his foul moods - which these days he was almost always in._

_As he got closer, he saw a figure standing near a window, gazing outside. The man's aura was unsettled, longing and defeated and so terribly, terribly sad, all at once. Even with a mask on, Asra knew Ilya immediately. The shock of auburn hair helped, of course. Footsteps quiet as he approached, his heart clenched. If Ilya was all the way out here, then - “You were invited to this little banquet of Lucio’s too, hm?” he asked._

_Julian jumped, turning to Asra in a bit of shock. He collected himself before nodding. “I was,” he said. “If only for Lucio to throw more things at me.”_

_Asra hated to hear the confirmation. He didn’t want Julian involved in this, he really didn’t. At least Nadia knew what she was getting into and had been adequately warned. Julian shouldn’t be here._

_"Hopefully not,” he said in faint amusement. Keenly aware of how long it had been since they’d last spoken, or even seen each other, Asra stole a few glances at the other man. He wasn’t even in costume, except for the mask. Asra knew he must have been brought up only for the banquet. A few weeks ago, some guards had escorted him out of the library, which Asra had been helpless to do anything about. He later had come to find out that Julian was being kept in the dungeons, for… “incentive”. The taller man looked almost gaunt, his shirt hanging from his frame more than Asra was used to. The knowledge bit at Asra’s heart. Whatever had happened between them, Julian was his friend. He’d been affected by the loss of Luke too, but he’d tried very hard to be an emotional shoulder for Asra. Although their more clandestine affairs had ended poorly, Asra hoped Julian knew that he did care for him. Beneath the anger and the hurt, he did care about the other’s well-being._

_“Getting a good look?” Julian asked after several long glances from Asra, still staring out the window at the palace gardens far below. The words sounded as if they were meant to be his usual teasing, but they lacked any sort of smile behind them._

_Asra pursed his lips, his own gaze falling to the outside. “Just so,” he murmured in return. “I like your mask.”_

_Julian scoffed. “This thing? It’s terrible. They only gave it to me so I didn’t look so out of place when I came up here,” he said, tugging at the laces as if suddenly reminded he was even wearing it. “I was only allowed up here for the banquet.” He slipped his mask off, shaking out his hair, raking a hand through it. Asra looked up at him, about to give his apologies, when he caught sight of Julian’s right eye. Previously hidden by his mask and his hair, it now stood out in stark relief, and Asra’s own eyes widened._

_“Ilya,” he whispered, and he felt numb as the other looked to him, confused at what he was reacting to. Asra could only stare at the red, the grey iris turning almost dispassionate as Julian faced him._

_“Oh. Right.” Julian hummed, glancing around, shrugging. “I guess you haven’t heard yet. I’ve got the plague. I’m dying.” He sneered, the expression angry and wretched. “How’s that for incentive?”_

_Gut twisting, Asra’s breath caught. Now he was to lose Ilya? The past few weeks had been so lonely, but he’d always thought that when this was all over, Julian would be back, and Luke too. But - “Ilya, I -” He what? What could he say to make this better?_

_Julian’s face twisted in a way that Asra hated, and he slumped, leaning against the window. “Don’t,” he said. “Don’t act like you care all that much.” He crossed his arms in discomfort. “I’m too tired to play your games right now, Asra.” All they did was push at each other, Julian knew that. He demanded too much from the magician, and Asra pretended he cared. At this point, Julian wasn’t sure any of it had been real. If their “romantic” relationship had been built on Asra taking what he needed to feel okay, and Julian begging for more scraps until it became too much, then why would their friendship be any different? After all, he’d seen Asra with Nadia, they were friends, and what he had with Asra was nothing like that. Had Asra ever done more than...tolerate him? With this plague, it was getting harder and harder to remember those things right. His thoughts were hazy, and ran together like wet paint dripping down a canvas, a slow, slick melding glide until nothing made sense anymore. Recalling something happy seemed impossible. When he thought about Asra, in the moments right before he fell asleep, all he felt was a bone-deep ache._

_Asra looked shocked. Of course he cared! Just because they hadn’t worked out romantically or sexually - they’d both known from the start they wouldn’t - that didn’t mean Asra didn’t consider Julian a close friend. “Ilya!” he replied, trying to find his words. There wasn’t time for this, they needed to go to the banquet. But how could he leave the other man thinking that Asra wouldn’t give anything for Julian to be somewhere else? To be happy and healthy? Before he could say anything else, they were interrupted._

_“Doctor 069,” the newcomer said, and the voice alone made Asra a bit uneasy. But Julian went rigid._

_“Quaestor Valdemar,” Julian breathed out. The other gave a shark-like smile underneath their mask._

_“We should be going,” Valdemar said. “The sooner we finish this banquet, the sooner we can go back downstairs. We have lots of work still to do tonight, Doctor.”_

_Julian’s swallow was audible, and Asra wanted to reach out, take his hand. What had happened to make Ilya react in such a way? He was...afraid of this person, Asra surmised. Terrified._

_“Yes, Quaestor Valdemar,” Julian said weakly. As the other glided away, Asra went to reach for Julian’s hand, but the doctor slipped out of his grasp. Julian hurried after Valdemar, leaving Asra to his disrupted thoughts._

_For a moment, all he wanted to do was let himself collapse. Everything was even worse than he thought. Ilya was dying. And he thought Asra couldn’t care less. Breathing deep, he closed his eyes. He had to focus here. No matter what, he was going to get Luke back. Right now, everything else, even...even Ilya, was superfluous. For the moment. Quieting himself, he stepped down the hallway, gripping his nerves tight for what he was going to do._

 

* * *

 

  
Asra blinked as the memory ended, seeing Julian frowning in worry as his vision cleared up. “Asra?” the doctor asked. “Are you alright?”

With a slow nod, Asra put his cup down. “I’m alright, Ilya,” he murmured. “Just had an unexpected flashback about the last Masquerade.”

Julian looked faintly surprised, but he hummed in understanding. “I still don’t remember much of the last one. There's a lot of blank spaces. But I’m glad that one of us is remembering a bit. It should come in handy tonight.” He glanced around, eye scanning the room for any remnant of the ghostly goat they were meant to be on the lookout for.

Asra stared at him, the memory dragging up all sorts of others, his feelings bubbling right underneath the surface. He and Ilya had never gotten to resolve things, had they? That night, Asra had meant to speak to Julian after Muriel freed him, but Julian fled before he had the chance. And in the years that passed, he thought they both allowed the more bitter memories to take root. He didn’t exactly blame Julian, the man had thought Asra cursed him.

Still, there was a lot that needed to be addressed, perhaps when this was over. Being at Julian’s side again made him remember how much color Julian could bring to a room, even if sometimes it was a bit much for Asra. He had life and spirit, and at this moment, having just seen the memories of a Julian who had lost all that vivacity, Asra was appreciating it more and more.

“Let’s explore a little bit, shall we?” he said, nudging Julian’s side. “There’s no reason that we can’t have a bit of fun while we’re on the lookout. You didn’t get to enjoy the last Masquerade. It would be a shame to waste this one when Nadi’s worked so hard on it.”

Julian colored a soft pink as he looked to Asra. “Do you think?” he asked, and Asra nodded.

“Let’s go,” he murmured, reaching for Julian’s hand to pull him through the crowds. Julian glanced down, his cheeks red, but he willingly followed after. Asra dragged them from room to room, witnessing elaborate gardens, acrobats, light shows, food, more and more and more until Julian was beaming brightly. That was what Asra wanted to see, he’d missed that smile on his friend’s face. In the past few days, they’d both been busy helping Luke and Nadia. Right now those two were off by themselves, and Asra wanted to make some happier memories with Julian again. After a while, they came to rest at a table for two. Ilya babbled on about some of the acrobats, while Asra listened with a soft smile.

“What a thrill that would be, though, can you imagine?” Julian went on, gesturing a bit with his hands. Asra couldn’t help but stare at him, drinking him in. His costume suited him well, although he was never quite sure why such a lively man had a penchant for the drabbest color around. Still, black did look good on him. The feathers rustled with his movements, the red tie popped at his throat, drawing Asra’s eyes up. Asra had crafted the mask, he was glad to see that it matched the rest of the costume. Asra himself was shockingly covered, although he thought the sheerness of the fabric over his chest made up for the fact that it wasn’t bare. He’d caught Julian eying him a time or two as they’d passed through the Masquerade.

Julian was still speaking, talking about his own adventures, about how he couldn’t imagine flying through the air like that. "I'd very much like to try it, though," he sighed.

Asra hummed as he heard the band start up a new tune, standing. “Maybe you will one day,” he said. “In the meantime, how about a dance?” He offered Julian his hand, giving a smug smile at the way Julian stared in shock.

“A - a dance?” the taller man stammered.

“Yes, Ilya. A dance,” Asra said patiently. “We haven’t had one in a very long time. I think now’s as good a time as any to fix that, don’t you?” He softened his expression, beckoning the other until he finally stood, taking Asra’s hand and biting his own lip. He glanced around at anywhere but the magician as he led him away from the table.

As they stood face to face, Asra remembered how very tall Julian was. In truth, he’d always liked that. Taking one of Julian’s hands, he began to lead, knowing that Julian was almost as accomplished a dancer as he was. He would know how to move. Slowly, ever so slowly, he felt Julian begin to relax, stepping closer to Asra, his movements more fluid. Others in the room were starting to stop and stare as they danced, cheering and encouraging them on. By the time the band started a faster tune, Asra knew he had all of Julian’s attention, and they began a new dance immediately. Grinning, Julian stepped onto the table, pulling Asra up after him, the two of them stepping quickly, precisely. They read each other so very well, pushing and pulling and moving together, never missing a step. Julian spun Asra outwards, but it was Asra who came back in to dip Julian backward, ever so mindful of just how much taller the other man was, but never even coming close to dropping him. When the attendants came in to hand out instruments, Julian was quick to grab a vielle. His eyes were rapt on Asra as his deft fingers moved over the instrument, adding a complexity of his own makings to the music. Asra never stopped, eyes locking on Julian’s as he continued to dance. It was like no one existed in the world but them. When Asra beckoned for Julian once more, the doctor handed the vielle off, more than happy to stalk back towards Asra and wrap an arm around his waist. The dance spiraled almost into a frenzy, but Asra and Julian were unfazed.

When they came to a stop, they were pressed flush against each other, breathing heavily. Julian’s hand pressed between Asra’s shoulder-blades, and Asra’s hand cupped the back of Julian’s neck. Julian looked - radiant. Like he had no cares in the world. And Asra couldn’t help the way his heart leapt in his chest to see such an expression on the doctor’s face. Much as he wanted to - and at the very moment, oh, he very much wanted to - he didn’t kiss Ilya. Instead, he took Julian’s hand, laughing as he turned to the crowd, who’d exploded with delight. Climbing down off the table, he reached for a glass of wine. "See? Wasn’t that -”

“Incredible?” Ilya interrupted. “I haven’t danced like that in a very long time. It’s nice to have a partner who can keep up.” He grinned at Asra, the beat of his pounding heart rapid.

“I feel the same,” Asra said. “Come on, Ilya. Let’s take a bit of a rest. Then, we can go back to ghost-hunting.” He felt almost giddy as that got a laugh out of Julian. After this was over, and they had the time, they were going to have a long talk.

 

* * *

  
When the time finally came, Asra, to his surprise, felt very ready for it. Lucio was gone, for good this time. The whole thing had been harrowing, and there had been points Asra wasn't sure they would all get out alive. But he was focusing on the positives. They had all survived. Luke and Nadia were becoming much more official in their relationship, and Asra was very happy for them. They complemented each other well. He could hardly believe that Luke was most likely going to marry into royalty and help rule Vesuvia, but he knew that the man would be good at it. And Muriel could feel more comfortable in his own home.

Now that left himself and Ilya. He knew what he wanted to say, he could only hope that Ilya would be receptive.

Finding Julian settled in a parlor with his sister, he knocked on the doorframe, smiling as they both looked to him. “Not interrupting anything, am I?” he murmured.

“Not at all,” Portia said, grinning to him. “In fact, I was about to be going. I have a few more chores left to get to today.” She turned to Julian, kissing his cheek. “I’ll talk to you later, Ilya.” With a wink at Asra, she departed, humming a merry tune.

Julian sat in the window seat, smiling as Asra took a seat on the opposite side. “It’s a nice day,” he commented, looking outside. “Everything feels - light.”

Asra nodded. “I agree,” he said. “I was hoping to speak to you about something important, Ilya.”

Julian gave a non-committal hum, not looking at Asra, as if he were afraid to. “I can guess what it’s about,” he said.

With a nod, Asra shifted, pursing his lips as he tried to begin in a good spot. “Ilya, I need you to know that I always cared about you,” he said suddenly. “I don’t know how much you’ve remembered at this point. But I remember that you thought I didn’t care that you were dying. And I did, Ilya, I wished so badly that you had never gotten mixed up in any of this. We didn’t - we didn’t work out the way you wanted, but I did care. You were my friend, above all else. I know we hurt each other - I know I hurt you very much - but your well-being mattered to me.”

Julian continued to stare out the window, but it was clear he was listening. “I eventually realized that I expected too much from you,” he murmured. “You told me that you couldn’t give me everything I wanted. I do accept blame for being so demanding.”

Asra almost groaned in response. “It’s not about blame. I’m not here to talk about blame. Although I’m glad we can both acknowledge that we were making poor decisions.” Pausing, he stole a glance at the other man, who was worrying on his lower lip with harsh teeth. “We both did stupid things because we were so desperate. They were bad times. I don’t blame either of us anymore.”

“Suppose that’s a relief,” Julian said as if unsure what else he should say.

“It is. The point I’m trying to make, Ilya, is that you’re important to me.” Asra faced the other man, hands in his lap, trying to catch his eye. “I couldn’t give you all of me back then. I think even if I could have, it still would have ended in disaster. But you were still my friend, and the thought of you dying was horrible.”

Julian’s cheeks were red, and he glanced down. “Well, that’s - very good to know.”

Asra inhaled, trying to continue, but he was at a loss for words. This was a delicate matter, and he had never been one to talk as much as Julian. The longer the silence dragged on, the more he could see Julian shifting uncomfortably. Just as the doctor was about to speak, Asra beat him to it.

“I want to start over,” he blurted out. Julian froze, his eyes wide as he looked to Asra, who kept blabbering on so he wouldn’t run out of courage. “I do, I want to start from the beginning, with you, with us. I - I’m ready to give you all of me.”

Julian stared at Asra like he couldn’t quite believe the man was actually in front of him, speaking such words. Then he frowned. “You expect me to believe you suddenly have some sort of feelings for me?” he asked. Hadn’t that always been the problem? That Julian loved him too profoundly, and Asra didn’t return that?

“Ilya, don’t you get it? There was always the possibility for me to love you,” Asra said. “I couldn’t give you all of me because I couldn’t allow myself to love you that way. I had someone, and where we were at the time - it wasn’t a good time, it would’ve been - “ Asra paused and shook his head. “I’m not going to wax poetic as you do, but I like having you at my side. I like the life you can bring to a room just by stepping into it. And you’re not second choice, this isn’t because I can’t have the person I had before. Some relationships don’t work. All I know is that right here, right now, the person that I want is you.” He took a deep breath, gaze meek as he glanced up at Julian, who still seemed to be in a bit of shock.

“We’re in a good place now,” Asra said. “I think we’ve both grown a little, and times are better. Things are starting fresh for everyone. Why can’t they start fresh for us too?”

There was silence for a long moment, and Asra thought perhaps he'd judged incorrectly. Then Julian reached out, taking Asra’s hand, the motion tentative. Asra let him take his time, let the doctor move in first, but he made sure that he was the one to lean in closer, taking the initiative to press their lips together. Julian made a quiet noise, his eyes fluttering shut, wrapping his arms tight around Asra. The kiss lingered for a long moment, before Asra dropped his head to Julian’s shoulder, huffing a relieved laugh against his neck.

“I never could refuse anything from you,” Julian murmured. “I suppose that hasn’t changed. I want this too. If you really want it this time, then - I’m game.”

“I do. I want this,” Asra said, picking his head up to stare resolutely at the other. This time, he would reassure Julian as often as he needed. He would stay at the man's side, hold him, kiss him, show him that their life together could be one filled with hope and beauty and love. And some magic and adventure, of course.

Julian nodded, leaning forward again to rest his forehead against Asra’s. They both closed their eyes, hands linked, taking the time to re-acquaint themselves with being so close to each other. Other things would come up, things they’d have to talk out, but Asra was committing himself to this. And he hoped that this time, he could make Julian happy. Anything to see that smile again.

**Author's Note:**

> -Actually my MC's name is Lucis but then I learned about Lucio so trying to write a story and mention Lucis and Lucio is not great, it just looks like I'm making typos  
> -I genuinely purchased an online writing tool to help me because I have no beta-reader and while I used to think I was really good at writing, I stopped writing for a very long time and now my own writing makes me cry a bit. So many adverbs. And what happened to my vocabulary? Down the drain, that's what happened.  
> -I don't think I have anything else to say! I hope you liked it, let me know if you did. I also take requests or prompts because they make me write more, so if you have any and you like my writing, go to credence-barebone-deserves-love.tumblr.com or use ninetysp8degrees@gmail.com. Or just put it here.


End file.
